For Your Approval, Emo Nerds.

It's snowing again in Brooklyn and this time, it's quite substantial. Not "Blizzard of '93 or '96" substantial, but just enough for us to keep faith in our on environment. I feel as if I should put on a suit and run through the streets, like a crazed Jimmy Stewart, screaming "Merry Christmas, Planet Earth!"

I've been struggling with writer's block the last few days (on top of some surreal, yet timely personal stuff), so I truly have been at a loss for words until recently. Sitting here in my apartment in Brooklyn, looking at the snowfall, reminds me of when I was introduced to one of my favorite pieces of literature, ever: the graphic novel Blankets by Craig Thompson. I remember first reading about the comic in the July 2003 issue of Spin, a month before its release. The story was very simple: Thompson decided to write a comic about the first girl he ever fell in love with. Being a twenty year old emo brat at the time, it sounded right up my alley. A month later, the massive 582 page epic was released at my local comic shop - I read it in three days. Immediately after, I claimed the book as my Bible.

After five years of self-realization and awkward pity sex, I would still readily recommend the novel. Even though I'm a cynical twentysomething comedian, I still think it's a beautiful piece about love, isolation, faith, and a lot of snow... no, seriously I think in the entire damn book there's only four scenes that aren't set in the winter.

Recently, I've been getting very inward and I'm starting to meditate more and I'm thumbing through my books on Buddhism; asking how to achieve happiness. I come to realize one of the biggest struggles is loneliness, though most folks needn't worry because I shave with an electric razor. Thoreau often rhapsodized about this condition; I'm slowly beginning to recognize, respect, and let go of it. The fear of it, that is. I don't know why I get this way sometimes, I just do - I once read that Steve Martin dealt with this beast by not taking life too seriously. In the past, I would always seek someone out, in hopes that companionship would be the answer. Of course, when I say "companionship" I mean "female friend with benefits." What better way to deal with loneliness than to seek out a decent one-nighter? What better way to cope with rejection than celebrating my loneliness? This is why "being emo" is a crippling, snake-eats-its-tail cycle.

This is also where my joke that being emo is a nice way of saying "horny, yet sensitive" comes from.

But I think where Blankets always struck the deepest with me was Thompson's idolization of his girl, Raina. Raina is the "girl of your dreams" every under-21 guy meets at some point. For me, that girl was Nicole - someone I met almost ten years ago in Paris, of all places. We met during the summer of 2000, both of us American, and both abroad for a good chunk of that summer. We only knew each other for about a week, but we were both still teenagers, so everything was intense and vibrant between us. It was one of those chance meetings that leaves a profound effect on one's life. When we left each other in Paris, we did everything to stay in contact, at first... did I mention that she lived in the South and I was in New Jersey? Naturally, you can imagine that our relationship eventually strained to the point that my very desperate e-mails went unanswered by her. In the eight years since we last spoke, I've gone from heartbroken to indifferent to nostalgic to contemplative about Nicole. In the year following that summer, I very naively thought I was in love with her. I've since realized that, for a seventeen year old kid with loneliness issues, she was probably one of the best things to happen to me.

Somewhere in life, we all have to face and defeat that which holds us back. A lot of times the universe sends us great gifts as a relieve our struggle. These gifts renew our faith and strengthen our resolve. Finally, with its infinite wisdom, the universe puts us back on our course when it knows we are ready. Often we don't understand why things are the way they are, but when it comes to the divine, we just have to trust the greater instincts.

As I'm looking back out of the window, in my apartment in Brooklyn, the snow has turned to rain - the fine powder is now slushing. I hope if Nicole ever reads this, she knows I turned out okay; I still think about her sometimes. In the end, she did the right thing, I just had to catch up. I wish her health and happiness in life. I also extend the same sentiment to all the temporal women in my life - but Nicole will always be the first, and maybe the best.

"How satisfying it is to leave a mark on a blank surface. To make a map of my movement - no matter how temporary."