The Girl From North Country

I fell asleep the other night with thoughts in my head of someone else. Specifically, someone I was very close with earlier this year, but we've since grown apart. To be straight: we were sleeping together for a short period of time. The only reason I can think of why I was thinking of her is because I'm presently trying to write an essay about my sex life. Nothing gratuitous, or bittersweet, but something that simply reflects (albeit in somewhat snarky fashion) on the triumphs and shortcomings of my six year existence in dating's final frontier. In doing so, she found a way into my brain.

For a long time, sex was very important to me. Somewhere in the stunted growth of my adolescence, I bought into the idea that you could actually make something out of a one-night stand. I don't know why I thought this. Or maybe I do know, but my subconscious is trying very hard to make me not feel like an idiot. I should also add that, soon after I did stop seeing this person, the light bulb went off and my whole "I'm-25-what-the-fuck-am-I-doing-with-my-life" journey began. It was after some time, and a long period of frustration, that I learned that this girl and I weren't meant to do much more than what we already had. I wanted her to stick around, but that wasn't her prerogative and had she, we would've both been miserable.

For a long time, I was really in love with this idea of being in a relationship. As I've gotten older, I've found I enjoy being single. Especially in a place like New York City, and at a point when I've learned something about life. When I was younger, and I met someone that I found myself even the slightest bit attracted to, I would just cling to her. I mean, isn't that what falling in love is all about? Now though, I'm exhausted even by the thought of doing that. Because it demands so much attention and energy that is completely unnecessary. Meeting the right person shouldn't be work. But, also, it's actually an attempt to belie any insecurity you may have. Insecurity that - deep down inside - tells you don't deserve any happiness in the first place. "Do everything you can, because she's going to be gone in a couple of weeks anyway."

After we stopped seeing one another, this same girl eventually met her present boyfriend, and I understand they've been very happy together for several months. I couldn't help but obsess, at first, about what I was lacking. Why was I still alone? But as I mentioned earlier: our coming together, it wasn't about the girl. It was about me. It was about finally understanding why I was unhappy, and tired, and why so many of my relationships weren't "perfect". Because "perfect" is all relative to what is realistic to you, and my sense of reality was completely out-of-touch. The truth is, I never needed a girlfriend, I just needed to worry about me.

With only three months left in 2008, I find myself reflecting on what has happened. I hope that the girl and her boyfriend can make it work, because they both seem happy. As for myself, I'm now more focused on work than anything else. It's not a defense mechanism. I just don't have time, anymore, to chase after a fantasy. What I'm saying is: when she ("she" being the right woman, not the previously mentioned individual) is ready to come into my life, she will. And the only thing I still choose to believe - that I have to believe, I think - is that it'll just work. No one is going to have to make extra effort, because it'll just happen. Plus, I imagine the sex will be pretty amazing.