No Sleep In Brooklyn

What's an even better way to destroy ambition than the art of procrastination? Let's try struggling with sleep deprivation on top of that. For the last two days, I have not been able to fall asleep before 4:30 in the morning. There could be a number of reasons why, but I'm blaming my ego. And, my cocaine habit. But anyway, here's a list of what I've been doing with myself for the last few days. I realize, by now, that every one of these attempts is sadly feeble as none of it has resulted in any actual sleep.

Damn you, twenty-five year old metabolism.

1) I stayed up until 2:30 in the morning last night and finally finished reading Watchmen. Besides being one of the best things I've ever read in a comic book format, the trailer for the upcoming film looks quite exciting. Watch and see, Rorschach.

2) I have raised my fists in anger at ESPN's recent power rankings, which have claimed that the Dallas Cowboys will own September and October. This offends me for two reasons: one, I'm an Eagles fan - Dallas sucks. Two, they are making this assumption after only one game, and it's the first game of the NFL season! AND, it's game in which Dallas's numbers looked nothing like what Philadelphia put up on the same day against the St. Louis Rams. Several ranting blog drafts were deleted before I was able to compact my rage into this semi-cohesive paragraph.

3) I got a chance to check out the Brooklyn neighborhood of DUMBO. It reminds me of a clean, grown-up version of Williamsburg.

4) I rented the TV series Spaced and the second season of Extras - as if I actually have time to watch DVDs.

5) Immediately after finishing Watchmen, I started the graphic novel memoir, Freddie & Me, about a man's childhood adoration of the rock band Queen. So far, so good.

6) I woke up the next morning and downloaded Queen's Greatest Hits and "Under Pressure" from The Best of Bowie.

7) I don't know how this happened, but I was somehow able to get completely drunk on Saturday night after spending a total of seven dollars between two of several bars I went to in the city of New York. Case in point: I stopped into the East Village dive bar Cheap Shots to use the bathroom and end up getting handed a free beer on my way out. Apparently, there was a two-for-one deal and my benefactor didn't feel like drinking his free one. Later, I had an improv show where we gave out free Kamikaze shots. I drank two and half - enough to loosen up, but not enough to get buzzed. After the show, I go out with a friend to Lit Lounge and buy a pint of Brooklyn Lager. My friend called it an early night. I go to a party in the Lower East Side. The party is a yuppie cesspool, and I leave after twenty minutes. I bounce to several other bars, only to find the same scene. I opted to go home to Brooklyn and enjoy a nightcap at Great Lakes, my favorite bar in all of New York. I hopped a cab, arrived at Great Lakes in fifteen minutes, and spotted the hot, guitar-slinging bartendress - who I find equally sexy and awesome - smoking a cigarette out front. We say hello and - after some sweet talk - she and I go inside, and she covered a Grey Goose and cranberry for me, plus we did a shot of Wild Turkey, plus she discounted my next Grey Goose and cranberry. I stumbled out of the bar at three in the morning and walked back to my apartment.

Once again, I have succeeded in getting very drunk on a Saturday night completely through luck and the art of confidence. This is my triumphant Tucker Max moment.

8) In a self-defeating Tucker Max moment, I send several drunken text messages to friends and former hook-ups, looking to see what else I can do on that same night. Clearly, I am drunk on both alcohol and power.

9) I wake up the next morning, and send out several apologies to those same recipients. "A drunk Matt Fried has a sense of humor that no one else finds funny." All apologies are accepted. My antics are officially vindicated.

10) I, for some reason, decided to where a hoodie in the pouring rain on Tuesday. Just because it rains in New York during the month of September, the late summer humidity still doesn't leave until October. I become a human sauna within ten minutes of leaving my apartment.